i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
