Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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