i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
