Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
