Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
