Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
