I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
