when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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