Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
