Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
