I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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