Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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