My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I am available for nakedness
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
