can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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