Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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