my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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