On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize