I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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