Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
