I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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