Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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