defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
