I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
