we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
