Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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