I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
