my phone needs a breathalizer
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
