How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
