He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Two words: blizzard sex
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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