I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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