He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
