I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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