put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
