speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
