ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
