I wish I could teleport
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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