I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
