I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize