There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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