Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize