watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
