goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
BRING THE BAGELS
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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