my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Randomize
