Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
