So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
