just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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