Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
