Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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