I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
