11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
