don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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