Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
