proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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