I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize