You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
