My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
