Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
