Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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