dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
not ubering you a puppy
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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